Mission: Poptarts
by yardknomesjenkins
Summary: Takes place where the prom scene left off! Read and review! I L-O-V-E Reviews! WHOO! FYI: it's not really Western, I just thought that was freakin' AWESOME!Go to my profile! and i won't ruin your lawn.
1. Mission: pop tarts

AN: Just so you know, this is my first fan fiction

AN: Just so you know, this is my first fan fiction! And I am very excited SO

READ IT!! And PLEASE read the authors note at the end.

EPOV:  
And I lowered my lips to her neck for a second time and kissed it softly.

"You didn't think I was really going to give in that easily," I asker her  
knowingly.

Bella's cheeks flushed.

"I guess not," she mumbled.

"You are so beautiful tonight," I said honestly.

"Aw, Edward," my beautiful angel said, blushing again.

I love the way she says my name, 'Edward', it rings in my ears again.

BPOV:

I reached the tips of my fingers to his lips.

"I love you Edward."

All of a sudden his face looks like he's trying to repress a chuckle. Then  
his laugh becomes more pronounced.

"He haw He haw!!"

He then sticks a finger up my nose and double slaps me across the face.

"BARRIES AND CREAM!," he says as he turns around.

He goes galloping like a horse into the woods, gnawing at the branches that  
scraped against his cheeks.

EPOV:

In the midst of my galavanting I hear the calling of my mate.

"HEE HAW WEE SNAW," the voice sounds like a whisper from where I am. I  
decide to answer it.

"kick ass!" I say gnawing at my ankles that are the shape of my lover.

I run back following the voices.

"Oh, Edward there you are sweet cheeks." She thunders.

"Stop nagging you ol' twit." I say rolling my eyes.

"What, Edward…"

"NO don't speak I must, I must go now, for I have a break down."

BPOV:

He runs off slapping his thighs as if to go faster.

"OK then, I'll see you in the morning!"

The next afternoon Edward comes to my house for tea.

"Oh Edward." I say as I pour the tea, when I suddenly notice he is  
strangely different.

"Edward you look unusual today."

"Well of course I do sweet…I SHAVED MY BROWS!" He screams with his fists in  
the air.

I look were his eyebrows used to be. "EW."

"What do you mean…EW?"

"Edward darling sweet, you look like a RAT! It's…It's disgusting, I cannot  
bare it!"

"You…you Robert Pattinson!"

I gasp!

"Take that back!!"

EPOV:

"NO, NEVER, NEVER, HAHAHAHAH!" I say licking my fingers.

"Oh, Edward let's just forget about this whole mess, FLY ME TO THE MOON!"  
Bella whispers as she tugs my ear.

"Well any thing for you BABE." I say rubbing her chin.

BPOV:

It feels as if I am on a giant boat, when it's really just Edwards' back.

"Do you trust me?" He says winking.

"OH, yeah." I screech.

As we are soaring I say, "Edward, I'm flying!"

"We're soarin' flyin' there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach!" He  
sings.

30 minutes later

"Edward we're on the MOON!" I whisper.

"We—"he said bewildered—"You said to freakin take you to the MOON!"

EPOV:

All of a sudden Bella was not beside my side.

"BELLA! BELLA!"

There was then a strange creature in front of me.

"Have you seen my muffett Bella?"

"Bel-la?"

"Uh-huh."

The strange creature looked at me like I was something to eat.

"I…like…Bel-la."

"Huh?"

CHOMP

In the end the aliens ate Bella and Edward, mistaking them as pop tarts.

FIN

AN: I am so very sorry about the very non-real/nice story you have just read. All of the other stories were just so serious and I just wanted to write something that was funny to my friends and I. To all of you people who read this story I want you to know that I am a VERY hard core fan and I would never wreck the relationship between Edward and Bella. So my sincerest apologies.


	2. Oprah inspires Emmett!

AN: Just so you know, this is my first fan fiction

Chapter 2!!

OPRAH INSPIRES EMMETT!!

"Emmett…" Edward storms in yanking his eyelashes.

"Yes my dearest brother?" I say through the pillow.

"Are you…crying?" He says jabbing his finger in my ear.

"Maybe." I scream at the top of my lungs.

"Why?" He bellows.

"Geeze Edward! IT'S FREAKN' OPRAH! How can you NOT!? Have you no heart?" I whispered with a winkity, wink wink.

"Um…" He purrs.

"You know what Eddie?" I purr stroking his thigh.

"What Emmett?" He says analyzing my cheeks.

"I am going to start my own school in Africa, just like Oprah!! I also need to find a best friend named Gail to help me out and go on trips with, I should probably change my name to Emprah or Eprah or something like that. Which one do you prefer oh wise one?" I ask sticking my finger in my mouth with round eyes.

"Um, Emmett?" What the hell is it now?

"SSH, wait Oprah is about to say something serious!!" I yell jumping ferociously on my knees.

"How do you know?" Edward says in an unusual fashion.

"Oh, well duh, because the way she moved her brows, you wouldn't know about that would you ED? Nope, because you shaved yours!" I finger point to my sexy head.

"Um, I rather not talk about that." He whines to the moon.

"Oh, that's just because Bella doesn't like them, poor kitty." I say meowing with the tone.

"Maybe I should try the no lashes thing, eh?" He thunders in a rampage.

"Oprah says 'the best way to get a man is to bat your lashes furiously every time that guy looks at you'." I say accusingly, jabbing my finger in his ears.

"Um…" He says licking my dry scalp to the bone. Just kidding Edward would never do that…to me anyway.

"What are you guy's doing?" My lover gasps while sniffing the odor in the air.

"Hi Rose!! My beloved wife, I want to be-"

"Let me guess, Oprah, right?" Damn, wow, she's so hot. No wait, hottier then hot, hey ed waits hotter then hot?

"EMMETT!" He yells with satisfaction, I think.

C'mon tell me you beast!

"How the hell did you know that Rose?" Edward sings in a different language.

"Alice told me she saw you," she jabbed her finger in my direction. "In Africa scaring the crap out of poor children." Damn, still hot. Right Eddie?? He he, he's starring me down.

"SO it is true! HAHA Edward!! Well, I'm sure Oprah scared all the children when she didn't have her make-up on! Duh rose!! I'll just have to put make-up, problem-o solved." Take that hottie. She can be so un- understanding sometimes.

"Emmett… Alice said that the make-up was what was scaring the kids."

"I'm sure she just saying that cuz I didn't put it on right, I'll just have her do it and you can do my HAIR! YEAH YEAH YEAH!" I say patting my hair and pouting my mouth.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!" what the hell now. Edward's just sitting there pulling on those DAMN lashes! Geesh cut it out bro.

"Did you have to say that? Now she really is going to do your make-up, you know that. Right?" I wish she would just give it a rest.

"SO I'll look ten times as better than Oprah cuz Alice is a genius and I'll be even better than Oprah cuz I will get the school done way faster! Hey Edward I'm gonna invite Oprah to the Opening and I want you to read her mind and tell me what the woman is thinking!" I say dancing like a new born deer pretending (in my mind) to frisking through the mist of wonder. Yeah, I said it.

"Emmett, how shall I put this? You are NOT going to Africa, you are NOT building a school for African children, you will NOT invite Oprah to the opening, and you will NOT wear make-up!" Rose growls and whistles yeah that was a scary sight.

I have to agree with her now, "Aw damn!" Now my dreams will never come true, my desires to be just like Oprah.


	3. Ultimate RapOFF!

"Edward! Jasper!" I say like the running of a dish washer.

"What Emmett?" They say pick- pocketing them selves.

"Guess what super awesome idea I just had!!" I say smoothing my brows.

"What is it?" They morn in desperation.

"You, he, and I are going to have a RAP OFF!!" I nudge from me heart.

"Em, that's so-"Crickey, I think like Steve Erwin. (May his soul rest in peace) Maybe I should be like Steve...Hmmm...Forget Oprah! ERWIN ERWIN!! I gotta' tell Rose later!

"Brilliant? Cool?" I ask trying to memorize them.

"No, that's dumb; we don't know how to rap?" Edward says smooshes his invisible gone eye brows, he looked way better B-4 he shaved them (yeah I'm using IM talk now; it's the new thing at school these days.

"Jasper, we are vampires, we can do anything! What are you SCARED?" I whisper seductively with a moan. Damn Jasper and his stupid powers. You know, if I had powers I would want to be like Oprah or cat Woman, cuz she's foxy, get it? No wait, yeah hey Edward, is a fox a cat or a dog?

He's just shaking his head at me like a scolding mother of a hen.

"Hell no!" Jasper twinkles

"Eddie poo?" I ask licking my full lips.

"Fine just for kicks, but we tell no one about this, got it?" He is such a party pooper!

"Yes sir, lets do this!!" I Pop as I put my over sized hat on.

"Ok, so who wants to do it first?" I finger the rim of the hat.

"FINE, I'll go first since you guys are the not so daring." Babies.

"Emmett, do you want us to do this or nut? So cut with the attitude." NUT? What Edward, you nuts boy, he he or should I say he snaw, we snaw, he he get it?

"My name is Emmett, if you know what I mean, then all you sexy ladies GET Up, and SCREAM! AHHHHHHHHH!" I pout as I cup my mouth.

"For you, for me, now let's talk about Edward, he so reminds me of Squidward!" He ha, he will so get a load out of that one! Whew, I'm on a role.

"I have to say that girls thought he was gay until he met Bella he was a whole new fella." I start to do a jig, an Irish jig that is.

"Jasper on the other hand," I point to the fiend. "Hates those Yankees, yeah, even Yankee doodle, and most fat poodles. He's so tall and so hairy, all the girls at school think he's scary. Put your hands in the air like you just don't care cuz Emmett's gonna win so this is FIN." I scream bloody murder crossing my arms to my chest.

"Emmett… what the hell was that?" Edward chimes.

"My rap yo, I've been working on it all day! So bring it! WHAT! Jazzy-poo your turn." I blink with horror.

"Blood, Blood, give me buckets of the stuff. It makes me oh so buff…" Oh, Oh. Oh, my word!

"JASPER! WHAT THE FUDGE WAS THAT? You can't be in a rap off if you don't diss someone and plus that was so horrid I don't think I want to rap against you anymore…"

"Edward, save me my darling, quick!" I sound as if I'm a southern bell, yes Edward a SOUTHERN bell!

"Emmett you can sound so creepy sometimes!" He smirks.

"I AM not a CREEPY person OK!! Just get on with it pal!" I yawn.

"Uh, my name is Edward, yeah yeah, so this is my so called jam, I diss like the name Pam? I shaved my brows and Bella was like Bow-wow, and I hate rapping so Emmett you win, this came is stupid, let's not play again!" What is with these guys, they are like dying cows.

"You guys are horrible! I never and I mean never ever want to PLAY again! Wahiawa!" I bark.

"Oh, Em, please don't cry love, um, we didn't mean it we just don't like to rap! Let's do something else, ok?" Who the hell does he take me for? His, His, oh dare I say it? His lover?

"SICKO! What the hell? I AM NOT Bella call me by MY name you son of a gun!" I whimper.

"Sorry, uh, Emmett don't cry pookie bear." He sounds disoriented.

"That's more like it! Jasper why aren't you rubbing my shoulders and feet, you know that I like to be at ease that way when I, you know…CRY!" I spit.

"Emmett you are such a big baby! Pull your self together MON!" He Squawks as he hit's me with a rolled up newspaper!

"Damn, Jasper!, ok, Fine what do you hippies wanna do then?" I twitch evenly.

"I really don't know. Any ideas Jazz?" Edward asks so heavenly.

"Um…Twister?" Jasper nods.

"YES!" He he moo ha ha! I RULE no I DOMINATE that game!! Suckers!

End.


	4. Authors note

Authors Note

Authors Note!! 

People, people, hey all you people

I want reviews.

Then, I shall update.

Thank you for your time.


	5. honeymoon!

Honey mooner

Honey mooner

We were almost to the small island. Edward looked at me and smiled a smile that looked like the monopoly man.

We reached the island.

"Bella, love why don't we go for a midnight swim, you know…skinny dipping?"

"Sure. I would love that more than anything."

EPOV:

I left my new bride to refresh herself. I decided to strip myself and go into the water while I waited for her. I took off my clothes and put them on a tree that stuck out of the ground.

I skipped to the shore wildly with rage of a bear. I swung my arms 1, 2, and 3—whoosh, I fly through the air and boooooooooom, I smack the hardass sand. I completely missed the water. I'm laying flat on the sand like a beautiful starfish.Ooh I hope Bella didn't see that. I dart up for another go. I swing me arms with the beat of Bella's heart. The tide starts to come in 1, 2, and now I'm gonna make it…3! Damn, I landed in the sand again…

BPOV:

And yeah so there I was looking out the window at Edward naked, face down on the sand; his toned marble BUTT sticking out in the marshmallow light from the moon. What was he doing? He smacks himself across the body and darts upward. He swings his arms in a well, odd fashion. BOOOOM he's in the sand again, face down, naked, like a starfish. I decide to go out…

EPOV:

Alright, again, again, again. Oh, let's try in a different language...Uno, dos, and waves coming in…TRES!

BPOV:

Well he made it this time and then I hear him sneeze, "IT WORKS IN SPANISH!"

"What works in Spanish Ed?" I say scanning his tooth

"Well my love it's just not that simple to explain you see." He says with a shoe in his mouth.

EPOV:

"OK BELLA! Your turn!" I screech like an old wooden door.

"Just swing your arms..." she has already jumped in.

"NO NOT LIKE THAT BELLA! GREAT BUCKETS OF OATS DO IT LIKE THIS!"

"Now, Edward calm down." She says looking like a rusty wrench.

"NOW…just simply swing your arms like so and count in Spanish.

"EDWARD, this is ridiculous. Just let me do it my own way." She screams corning her teeth.

"BELLA! Now love just please do what I say." I say punching the air with my knee and head.

"Como?" oh no she didn't. I scratch my elbow with frustration from my LOVER!

"DAMN BELLA JUST DO WHAT YOUR F-ING TOLD!" whoosh I yawn popping the tail off a fish.

"EDWARD STOP BEING SO DAMN BOSSY! THAT'S MY JOBBBBBB!" She says chewing her lip.

"GIRL, don't nag at me you're starting to sound like EMMETT!" I squint.

"BOY..." she flirts.

"DON'T call me boy I'm a MAN!" I say typing my fingers.

"EDDY, THE DAY YOU ARE A MAN I WILL BE SMOTHERING KETCHUP ALL OVER MY BROWS!" ooooH, she did not just go there.

"Shaved my damn brows for you love and I thought you liked them." I say accusingly streaking a finger down my cheek.

"Edward, lets just forget about this whole thing, let's just go get DRUNK!"

BPOV:

He looks at me with this Frankenstein look and he flaps his ears in amusement.

"BELLA, you know I can't get drunk. You go and have a good time." He says blowing the hair out of my eyes. I love it when he does that.

"Edward," I say rubbing my hands together ferociously. "Peez get drunk wif me." I say like a deranged animal, I think, I'm practicing being drunk at the moment.

"BELLS, I can't…too many….mem…ories…he cries with a burp of a buffalo in the wild sun, but its dark so pretend.

"Edward will you take me to the moon again, and we can spend our honeymoon there after all it is a honey-MOON?"

"Bella I love you and well, whatever you want you get dear." He says while waving his hand around himself in circles.

EPOV (but not the 'E' you think)

I turned to Alice.

"I WON BITCHES! HAHA I WON!" I roar sticking both of my middle fingers up at her. Let her think what she wants of that! HAHAHAHA!! Bitches!


	6. I IS SORRIER THAN A

I is Sorrier than a dog who has lost its bone!!!

I PROMISE I'll update A-SAP!

It's just…

My pixie of a girlfriend (seriously, she's a real pixie!!!) is saying I spend too much time on the computer and not enough with her!!! Now she wants me to focus on "relationships" and "her feelings" but a secret between you and me… those things give me the hebby-jeebies!!! I am terrified!

But Alas! I promise thou, I will update! You have my word as a gnome!

HEY!!! I have an idea!!!! Why don't you review on my other chapters!!! You know, to tell me if you liked them, or if you didn't…or if you just want to talk…

SO REVIEW! AND I SHALL WRITE!

xoxo

(I'm not creepy)

Yardknomesmanjenkins!

that's my full name… ;)


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